Learning how to fall

Big hello to me from the 2nd (actually already 3rd as I’m writing this) day of 2012.
Not to be a ranter, but searching for a little sympathy, I worked on the 1st of Jan.  I definitely do not deserve a golden medal, but so to speak – it was hard. Head ached and hands refused to operate under mind commands. Spent the whole day in coma-after-new-years-eve. I did not party that hard, but it was enough.
I’m not setting any new years resolutions to be honest. Shame to say, but not many of the last years’ came true. Not that I’m being so lazy (..I am), but maybe because they were a little bit unrealistic I suppose. I am being honest now with myself. I just wish 2012 not to be the last year in my life (Oscar goes to the civilization Maya). Otherwise I will have no time for all my dreams to come true.:)

I saw a nightmare last night about one of my plans being ruined. I got up crying. As in seriously! So, I decided it’s never going to happen and I will make it.
By the way, I noticed that my memory is bad handling events for the whole year. I mean, I tried to reckon how I spent several previous new years’ eves..and I can’t! Plus for some reason, such months as January-March usually never filled in with exciting stories, but I still think they deserve to be memorised. So I guess I’m going to capture them this time ;)

 Happy New Year everybody and I hope 2012 brings you all you want and wish for.

Let it be a good year:)

I am home. I returned yesterday, after two magic weeks in Seeheim. All was great, except that the place lacked normal internet access, so I could not update here.
Oh…I have no idea if I am able to describe everything! It would take me few days and many posts. I am a little upset, because it all finished so fast, but I am also so happy, that it happened to me.
I will come back…soon ;)

Naturally I hate being alone. I need friends, family, or even my cat to be around if not always, but definitely most of the time. Although sometimes I demand peace and loneliness. This is the time. Most of my friends hate me and my family, including my cat, trying to teach me how to live. So this is where I want to build a great wall in order not to feel what I feel. Escape. In 2 weeks I’ll be gone abroad for full 14 days. I know I’m going to be badly homesick at first, but then I will slowly realise that I finally ran away.

I know, this looks like a very bad excuse. I have a schedule, which literally excludes any attemts for outdoor fun and even a private life. Did it deliberately. Friends do not return my calls and potential friends hate me never ever even being in face to face contact with me.

Escape. I want to escape.

Suddenly and rather pleasantly I realised that I do love this life. It doesn’t matter anymore wether there somebody special exists in my life or if it is just a morning cup of Viennese coffee with milk. Beautiful feeling to enjoy and be happy with what you’ve got. Live the moment. Feel it. Make it special every single day. Despite the fact that the weather is pretty crapy this time of year, I still catch every joy of the day. It is a lovely come back to life. After so much pain in it, it feels like a birthday. It makes me truly happy to live through the day. I open my eyes and feel alive. The very forgotten feeling lately. And for once in my life – it doesn’t depend on anybody. I seem to overcome this feature of getting used to be happy only when special people surround me. Losing them so many times created a fragile, but still a shell on my skin. I never forget them and given a chance would say that I forgave and let go.
Not rambling  a lot, I think I am going to improve and return to photography and maybe painting. The last work I started more than 3 years ago. It was meant to be a birthday gift for one special person. But I never managed to finish it, because I didn’t feel like he would ever see it. And so it never happened. Now I would like to continue my work on it. It should finally take its place in a beautiful frame. And maybe I will be courageous enough and send it to its initial potential owner. Or maybe it is better not to “touch” the past. I will think of it.
And of course I have a global life plans for the nearest year. Whole year! The very first time they also do not include anybody, but me myself and I. Selfish you may think, but in my case it is rather useful, believe me. I know exactly what I want, where I am going and how it should be achieved. I am satisfied like a purring cat on a lap. I don’t know if this is going to work out, but at least I will know I tried.

Wake me up when September ends – a classic to me to say when 1st of September comes.

I for some reason always count September as kind of a transition period to something new. At some point of view-waiting for new things and events to happen in life is great. Worse would be not to wait for anything.

The summer of  2011 was good. It was so alive and crazy that somebody else would only dream of it. Unforgettable night and days in Frankfurt, in Vienna, in Barcelona, in Munich, in Venice, in Udine… Summer with my friends and Bon Jovi. Summer to remember. I did my usual thing: I loved, I laughed, I fell out of love, I cried, I lived all over again, I smiled to my summer of 2011. I said good bye and I’m looking forward to the life ahead ;)

New haircut, new job, new people, a cookbook!!! Some educational process and new opportunities.

Hey, and it’s only been few days since Summer finished :)

Man, I’ve fallen in love with this city…

Will I sound awful now if I say that I truly hate coming back home?

Want to freeze my heart, I’m tired feeling.

I’ve seen a dream about you. The very first dream since a very long time…

You were so nice, kind, lovely, good looking, happy, bright, warm. You tried to tell me you still care. But you know, what? Not even a single string of my heart felt anything for you. Even more. Almost tears were suffocating my throat. Because I so much tried to tell you that I’m no longer the one you loved and cared about. And I no longer wish to be loved or cared by you. And I never managed to tell you.

I like to wake up to a sweet sweet sunny morning day. I like when I’m hugged in the morning, when I’m kissed and spontaneously loved. I have so many doors open. Can’t think of any other way of being right here and right now.

Maybe I shouldnt’ve… But that’s how I feel today.

I have an important day tomorrow and I need to distress somehow.

It includes a lot of nice soft music, warm tea, positive thinking and dreaming.

Nice evening. Especially since I treat mysef with chocolate muffin. Mmm.

I went to church yesterday.

Yes, what’s news in this…Not for me. I haven’t been there since… long time ago. That smell, choir, candles, evening service. And I couldn’t even raise my head and look up. I barely even looked at what’s going on around. I know, it’s not something you write in your blog about. But I just wanted to make this reminder to myself. I’ve gone pretty far and pretty deep into a completely different road, since the last time I’ve been there. Not to say I had many memories back.

Got me into thinking…

De ja vu.

“…you’re making an impression of requestion over impossible.”

Dammit! Gotta do a little work on myself.

Same old me. Hello. Wish I’d never see you again.

Uhhh.

..like this tear me apart, turn me inside out, shoot me and make me wanna scream.

Ahhhhhhrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Life’s a bitch.

Had an evening full of million emotions.

Remembered suddenly a saying: my past called me, but I hung up and went to kiss my present :)

On the other hand I’m trying to recover my inner self. I know that these days it’s hidden somewhere deep inside of me. I’m smiling and dancing, playing and fooling around, cheering and laughing… But real me can’t find peace. I don’t think it will ever do actually!

Let’s go all the way tonight
No regrets, just love
We can dance until we die
You and I
We’ll be young forever

That’s about me since August 2010 :)

I’m so afraid to get used to my life without ever thinking “what if?”. I like it like it is today. It doesn’t make me truly happy, but it’s like a painkiller. And I keep going on.

p.s.: my web site name expires in February and I bloody can’t find a log in and password to the host!!! AAAA!

Feels like somebody is turning into a maneater. Who would have thought! Haven’t decided yet wether it’s a good or bad thing. But I think it’s just probably a part of having the time of my life. Oh I like it!!!

Probably you will never know (but maybe only have a good guess), how many new doors have opened up for me, since you closed yours in front of my nose.

Thank you.

RIP 29.11.2009

Autumn. Gorgeous autumn! Warm, sunny, friendly, lovely, peaceful.

Sweet October. Sensual, wild, crazy, fast!

Head is full of positive. Changes…they come to everybody. They come to me. Nothing extra ordinary. Just probably getting older, wiser and better!

Love autumn in Berlin….

It’s two days since I’m already 24 years old.

And you know what?

That’s exactly that I’m doing…So close to the edge. I’m having the time of my life.

Mega summer it was.

Full of love, tears, laughter, broken hearts, travels, friends, work, sun…

I will miss it badly.

Vienna, Paris, Bon Jovi concert, my Frienda (<3), Nice, St.Tropez, a bit of Italy, Frankfurt, Waynes bar, dancing on a table, sweating, getting very tipsy in American bar, fainting on a concert, crying from happiness, crying from sadness, talking, laughing, walking, walking, walking, smiling, taking million photos, sunbathing, swimming with huge jellyfish, crazy trips to Vienna, amazing hours in Frankfurt, meeting a great person, meeting random COOL people, drinking a lot, sleeping very little, working hard earning money for new fun, burning under the really hot sun…

A summer to remember.

Good to remember you have a blog…just once in a while:)

Life goes on. Strangely.

Sometimes I’m trying to understand, how many more times I must fall and get up on the way…way out, out of circle. So I guess my blog will live forever. Unless I stop paying for hosting or will learn not to fall anymore. Which is absolutely impossible during our lifetime.

Probably letting go of  the past is useful. But it’s so hard.

Sometimes I wonder if I ever meant anything in life of those people who left me. Probably not much. I don’t think you remember in details what I look like. Maybe you even forgot when is my birthday. I think you don’t think of me at all, actually. Because you will never ever call my name again, because you’re gone.

But it’s just I can never forget what I used to love so much.

Anyway, I’m just thinking so much. As usually :)