Learning how to fall

First I chose categories and only then imagined what to blog about. But it’s just a side thought.
I catches myself on that I’m trying to find a reason, motivation and a wish to go on. I tried to imagine what’s gonna come out of 2012. And it seems like I have lots to do this year.
Sure I will never open up all my plans here. Not because I’m greedy, but as you know – the less you talk about plans, the more chances they have to be released.

I’m sure of few less important things: fight addiction to the social networks, read more books, stop staying up all night for silly reasons, unless it’s a ‘lovemaking’ or ‘bookreading’. Travel more and surely ask for salary rise…but it’s another story not deserving to be discussed. To catch up with all my friends, who probably deleted my phone number and forgot what I look like. Job and life spinning around don’t always let me be as flexible as I have been before.

And I can’t decide wether to buy a car or not. Oh well...

Big hello to me from the 2nd (actually already 3rd as I’m writing this) day of 2012.
Not to be a ranter, but searching for a little sympathy, I worked on the 1st of Jan.  I definitely do not deserve a golden medal, but so to speak – it was hard. Head ached and hands refused to operate under mind commands. Spent the whole day in coma-after-new-years-eve. I did not party that hard, but it was enough.
I’m not setting any new years resolutions to be honest. Shame to say, but not many of the last years’ came true. Not that I’m being so lazy (..I am), but maybe because they were a little bit unrealistic I suppose. I am being honest now with myself. I just wish 2012 not to be the last year in my life (Oscar goes to the civilization Maya). Otherwise I will have no time for all my dreams to come true.:)

I saw a nightmare last night about one of my plans being ruined. I got up crying. As in seriously! So, I decided it’s never going to happen and I will make it.
By the way, I noticed that my memory is bad handling events for the whole year. I mean, I tried to reckon how I spent several previous new years’ eves..and I can’t! Plus for some reason, such months as January-March usually never filled in with exciting stories, but I still think they deserve to be memorised. So I guess I’m going to capture them this time ;)

 Happy New Year everybody and I hope 2012 brings you all you want and wish for.

Let it be a good year:)

I guess it is exactly the time when everybody or almost everybody tries to sum up the results of their life in 2011. Honestly? I cannot even remember most of events since the beginning of the year. My memory cannot really keep so many great and not so great things in my life. So I refuse to make any global conclusions this year. I can say for sure that it was a good one. With its ups and downs, falls and rises…it wouldn’t be me otherwise;)

Nothing has changed extraordinary for me. Every year I’m waiting for miracles to happen. But perhaps I must be thankful, because no miracles happen but many plans come to life. Can everybody state so? I doubt that.

For the first time I find it hard to remember even all my trips. I think it was Vienna few times again. It was Barcelona, Munic, Venice, Udine, Frankfurt and … And that’s it I think, but I’m not quite sure;) Two Bon Jovi gigs in one year!!!! Man, can I be happy more???? I don’t think so.

I changed job. Not very different comparing to my old one, but I’m happy enough now. I’m legal, official, settled, trained, even in the uniform…;) Thanks to my job, I spent two super cool weeks in Seeheim and I made friends. They are unique and great people who I secretly dream to meet again someday in my life.

Some people left my life this year and some new arrived. I made mistakes, I loved, I cried, I failed, I succeed and despite all that I continued my way through mistakes, falls and tries. I’ll never stop being happy and so grateful to my friends. I thank God, literally, for given me them. It took few good years to know who’s really worth it. You guys, are the best I have in my life. Guys come and go, friends remain;) thank you for all your support, free ears, helpful hand, a shoulder to cry on, a company to dance, to drink, to laugh, to do stupid crazy, lovely things. You’re the best!

Sounds a little like Oscar:))

I have million and one serious and not so serious plans for the new year. It’s time to move on, grow wiser and continue my way.

I wish a very Happy and prosperous New Year to everybody. Let it be good to you, kind and gentle. I wish happiness and love. Everything will be great, no matter what.

It should be definitely much easier to return to normal state of being. Obviously not for me. I keep on going to bed at abnormal time which is around 3am each day and consequently I get up at noon. Jet-lagged? I mean, I’ve been through worse when I visited an upside down hemisphere. But seems like I’m getting older and loosing my grip in comprehending time differences. I lived in a different time zone for just two weeks and three hours difference. Oh come on. It must be wintertime too.
But what I was going to say is that it’s something like two weeks until new years eve. I’m not prepared. I have gifts bought none and ideas in my head are also zero. Work will occupy all of my time with a happy not perspective of having zero new year-Christmas holidays. If for some reason I am not appearing here until 2012- Merry Christmas and a very Happy New Year everybody:)
Considering work on the 1st of January, I still hope to spend a nice night with my family and a lovely Christmas with dear people. I will also support Christmas spirit and moods of everybody who celebrate it in December.
But…let’s be more optimistic, I will update here later;)))

The more I attend English classes, the more I speak German in my mind.
Ohne dich kann ich nicht sein
Ohne dich
Mit dir bin ich auch allein
Ohne dich
Ohne dich zähl ich die Stunden ohne dich
Mit dir stehen die Sekunden
Lohnen nicht ohne dich

Suddenly and rather pleasantly I realised that I do love this life. It doesn’t matter anymore wether there somebody special exists in my life or if it is just a morning cup of Viennese coffee with milk. Beautiful feeling to enjoy and be happy with what you’ve got. Live the moment. Feel it. Make it special every single day. Despite the fact that the weather is pretty crapy this time of year, I still catch every joy of the day. It is a lovely come back to life. After so much pain in it, it feels like a birthday. It makes me truly happy to live through the day. I open my eyes and feel alive. The very forgotten feeling lately. And for once in my life – it doesn’t depend on anybody. I seem to overcome this feature of getting used to be happy only when special people surround me. Losing them so many times created a fragile, but still a shell on my skin. I never forget them and given a chance would say that I forgave and let go.
Not rambling  a lot, I think I am going to improve and return to photography and maybe painting. The last work I started more than 3 years ago. It was meant to be a birthday gift for one special person. But I never managed to finish it, because I didn’t feel like he would ever see it. And so it never happened. Now I would like to continue my work on it. It should finally take its place in a beautiful frame. And maybe I will be courageous enough and send it to its initial potential owner. Or maybe it is better not to “touch” the past. I will think of it.
And of course I have a global life plans for the nearest year. Whole year! The very first time they also do not include anybody, but me myself and I. Selfish you may think, but in my case it is rather useful, believe me. I know exactly what I want, where I am going and how it should be achieved. I am satisfied like a purring cat on a lap. I don’t know if this is going to work out, but at least I will know I tried.

Wake me up when September ends – a classic to me to say when 1st of September comes.

I for some reason always count September as kind of a transition period to something new. At some point of view-waiting for new things and events to happen in life is great. Worse would be not to wait for anything.

The summer of  2011 was good. It was so alive and crazy that somebody else would only dream of it. Unforgettable night and days in Frankfurt, in Vienna, in Barcelona, in Munich, in Venice, in Udine… Summer with my friends and Bon Jovi. Summer to remember. I did my usual thing: I loved, I laughed, I fell out of love, I cried, I lived all over again, I smiled to my summer of 2011. I said good bye and I’m looking forward to the life ahead ;)

New haircut, new job, new people, a cookbook!!! Some educational process and new opportunities.

Hey, and it’s only been few days since Summer finished :)

All I do is travel.

When I don’t travel – I think of  doing it. When I don’t think of doing it – I want it. I feel very bad if I know I’m not to fly away anywhere anytime soon. It’s an addiction. And if someday I’m cut off from all the opportunities – it’s gonna hurt.

I forgot when was the last time I got me anything nice in the clothing shop or beauty store…or even Apple store:)

I surely belong to somewhere else…

Munich 14.06.2011

Will I sound awful now if I say that I truly hate coming back home?

Want to freeze my heart, I’m tired feeling.

I’ve seen a dream about you. The very first dream since a very long time…

You were so nice, kind, lovely, good looking, happy, bright, warm. You tried to tell me you still care. But you know, what? Not even a single string of my heart felt anything for you. Even more. Almost tears were suffocating my throat. Because I so much tried to tell you that I’m no longer the one you loved and cared about. And I no longer wish to be loved or cared by you. And I never managed to tell you.

I like to wake up to a sweet sweet sunny morning day. I like when I’m hugged in the morning, when I’m kissed and spontaneously loved. I have so many doors open. Can’t think of any other way of being right here and right now.

Maybe I shouldnt’ve… But that’s how I feel today.

I don’t think I have ever felt myself that free, easy, light, naughty, cute, strong, fresh, sensual…

Feels like I could fly.

Had an evening full of million emotions.

Remembered suddenly a saying: my past called me, but I hung up and went to kiss my present :)

On the other hand I’m trying to recover my inner self. I know that these days it’s hidden somewhere deep inside of me. I’m smiling and dancing, playing and fooling around, cheering and laughing… But real me can’t find peace. I don’t think it will ever do actually!

Let’s go all the way tonight
No regrets, just love
We can dance until we die
You and I
We’ll be young forever

That’s about me since August 2010 :)

I’m so afraid to get used to my life without ever thinking “what if?”. I like it like it is today. It doesn’t make me truly happy, but it’s like a painkiller. And I keep going on.

p.s.: my web site name expires in February and I bloody can’t find a log in and password to the host!!! AAAA!

Feels like somebody is turning into a maneater. Who would have thought! Haven’t decided yet wether it’s a good or bad thing. But I think it’s just probably a part of having the time of my life. Oh I like it!!!

Borders of my laziness know no limits. I started to write a big post about 2010, and about what have happened then…but it was never posted. And never will be.

I started 2011 full of hopes and dreams.

Again.

I must say that 2010 was in general very good to me. I got to travel quite a lot, I was in and out of love, I laughed so hard that I cried and I cried so hard that later it made me laugh. I met very special people and now I am totally addicted to them and want to meet them again and more often. You know who you’re ;)

As for this year-so it’s simple just like 1-2-3 (kinderleicht). More travelling to be done, more fun to have, more people to meet, more goals to achieve. Ordinary dreams of an ordinary girl.

Oh yeah..it’s gonna be my 25 Bday! Excited and plan a trip somewhere special with somebody special. Hope it’s gonna work out.

Probably you will never know (but maybe only have a good guess), how many new doors have opened up for me, since you closed yours in front of my nose.

Thank you.

RIP 29.11.2009

Autumn. Gorgeous autumn! Warm, sunny, friendly, lovely, peaceful.

Sweet October. Sensual, wild, crazy, fast!

Head is full of positive. Changes…they come to everybody. They come to me. Nothing extra ordinary. Just probably getting older, wiser and better!

Love autumn in Berlin….

Good to remember you have a blog…just once in a while:)

Life goes on. Strangely.

Sometimes I’m trying to understand, how many more times I must fall and get up on the way…way out, out of circle. So I guess my blog will live forever. Unless I stop paying for hosting or will learn not to fall anymore. Which is absolutely impossible during our lifetime.

Probably letting go of  the past is useful. But it’s so hard.

Sometimes I wonder if I ever meant anything in life of those people who left me. Probably not much. I don’t think you remember in details what I look like. Maybe you even forgot when is my birthday. I think you don’t think of me at all, actually. Because you will never ever call my name again, because you’re gone.

But it’s just I can never forget what I used to love so much.

Anyway, I’m just thinking so much. As usually :)

Unbelievable, but I’m on vacation at last!

Have been waiting for it for so long. It’s going to be a cool one. Some adventures, some love, some happiness…Paris, Vienna. Life is good.

Oh, and I adore viennese parks!!

Never give your credit card details to the suspicious sources! That’s the thing every clever person knows. Not me obviously. Result: less than 10 euro balance.

Don’t know what to do… Probably make a scandal. But at this hour for some reason my brain doesn’t work. Ah!

I’m there…almost ;)

Have you ever tried spontaneous things?

I have tried a couple of times. And I’m not going to stop! More of those crazy things wait for me already this week.

Strange, but I don’t feel time anymore. I don’t feel weight. I don’t think troubles can remain unsolved. I don’t believe there’s no way out. Actually life isn’t that scary as it seemed to me before. Maybe because I started to live at last? Possible.

Because Impossible means I’m Possible.